Wednesday, April 21, 2010
"Certainty"
From time to time I question my faith in my own personal morals and life choices, as I'm sure we all do. Actually, I HOPE we all do. I can't think of anything more dangerous than blind faith. To the point- this past week has been a nervous one of sorts for me. And to that extent I've been questioning my diet (my life) and my career aspirations. Please don't mistake, I have never been as proud of anything else I've accomplished than becoming a vegan. It's something I came to completely on my own and I've never believed in anything else so strongly. However, it can be wearisome. I'm a Midwest vegan and I feel detached from nearly everyone around me. "The family that eats together, stays together." But sometimes, if you don't eat together, you never get together. Thus, many of my relationships end before they start. And true to my slightly extremest personality, veganism is something I dove into head first. It's not only what I eat, but also who I am. It's not a collection of meal choices, but a lifestyle. Hence, the gap between me and typical Midwest society extends even further. And sometimes I just want to be like everyone else. I want to throw it all away and just relate already! Because I'm only an admirer for so many things and people with such beauty and substance because they don't mesh with "vegan". I question if it's worth all the good I believe I'm doing to be seemingly so far from everyone, so disconnected. And my compromising nature tells to me sacrifice. Give it all up for them/him/her/it/us. There's so many combinations and so many closed doors. Becoming a vegan expanded my horizons, but my world got so much smaller. I gave up so much more than food types. I gave up a tremendous amount of possibility and I didn't realize that's what I was choosing at the time. And obviously, at times (like these), it's not the easiest decision for me to live with. But I stick with it. And with a quick mirrored glance at my right shoulder, I see my ink-stained mark of pride. A personal little hats off to myself. And I'm once again sure of who I am. And though I'm sure I will often feel like nothing more than a lonely little vegan, I stumbled upon a quote to drag me through that muck of my own insecurities when necessary. "I think for the most part, if you're really honest with yourself about what you want out of life, life gives it to you" - Ted Mosby (How I Met Your Mother).
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I noticed that you may have already answered yourself within your own blog, Steph. You stated that it was your decision, that you feel this strongly about something and it is what you are. If that's not an answer, I do not know what is. The only person that can truly make you happy is YOU. I understand what you are saying about being alone on your journey, I have the same thoughts about bodybuilding, but those questions are what will show you your true strengths, self discipline and retained and valued knowledge.
ReplyDeleteBut there is one question you need to pose to yourself- does it make you uncomfortable to be with someone that is not vegan? Would you be able to sit down with another to eat and not respect his/ her choices on eating meat or something that is not under the vegan lines? If this is not a topic of disagreement between you and whomever, then the right people are out there for you to find. It may just be on a different journey that you find them in a different part of the world from where you are now. To me, being different is not being less. I enjoy being different and not falling in with the masses that are cattled into society by the ways of Mtv or a fashion magazine. You may question yourself for years about things but always remember that you are your own beautiful person and that should make you happy.
Wow, you guys amaze me. Steph this is beautifully poetic writing, and Brian had an equally thoughtful response. I understand you dilemma Steph. I was a vegetarian (not vegan) for years (for health reasons). Much of my family was from Texas and was convinced that all ills could be cured by a good steak. Yikes! It was a long lonely misunderstood journey (about 15 years). But, I find when you are confident in who you are, and you are more than only a vegan, people are drawn to you.
ReplyDeleteWow Steph, you sound like it's a mini battle that goes on and off like a light switch every so often. I can understand why you feel like you are different as a person. But just because you choose to be a vegan, doesn't make you any less of a person. Everyone has their own beliefs and ways of life they want to follow. To judge that would be a sin in itself. The "typical" person might look at you as "weird", but I agree with Brian, you are your own beautiful person and as long as your happy, that is all that matters!
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