Creature of Habit

I would like to believe- no, actually I know that I've come a long way in my life. This past Thursday, I turned twenty-one. Finally an adult in our legal system's eyes. And for a twenty-one year old, I believe I'm ahead of the curb in maturity and responsibility and sensibility. I swear those are more than just my own thoughts- it's a fairly common review. I've made a lot of tough choices within my short time on this earth and I've dealt with the consequences of every one of those choices, for better or worse, all on my own. Growing up far too fast is a tragedy I am in many ways thankful for. It made me, me- the strong, extremely independent little lad I am today. Believe me, I'm as insecure as any young woman, but in most aspects I take a great deal of pride in all that I am. Still, with all the positive steps Ive taken toward the future I think I'll always want, I find myself getting in my own way in the same old ways I always have. And I'll repeat those slightly destructive behaviors. Like doing in excess and texting the Ex. Sometimes it feels that for the life of me I just can't respect the lines I draw for myself. And I compromise too much and I make excuses for people who hurt me. And maybe that's a self-esteem issue I need to address personally. Now, in yet another state of personal doubt in which I'm questioning how much progress I've actually made, I resolve to simply push forward. What else could asked of one little lad? Although I'm tempted to fly off the handle with brash behavior and give into my desire for an easier day to day by living as Sharon Stone would recommend, shamelessly, I'll stay the course. Because I'm no Sharon Stone and I wouldn't know who I am if I wasn't exactly how I am. As for those pesky vices, here's to endless attempts to permanent change. I'd like to think, no I know that that's a major part of what makes me me- I refuse to give up.

Knowing When to Fold 'em

When I was young (or younger) a family court judge told me, “…friends come and go.” Sad and true. When you’re little and nestled in your cozy family home, life seems safe and perpetual. Then along comes adolescence and you’re introduced to heartbreak. Your world ends and then continues and ends again and then somehow continues once more. Eventually, you learn that change is normal and unavoidable and you accept it…for the most part. Today I glance around my newly re-entered office to see quite the laundry list. My first week back awoke quite a variety of emotions in me. I see before me an uncomfortably lengthy series of burned bridges and estranged persons. And though I also see many familiar friendly faces, I can’t help but step back to scrutinize the choices I’ve made and responses I’ve chosen in the past year and some change. I cannot deny that I’ve misjudged and cut ties prematurely. Luckily, many have been amended. And I try to believe that those not amended are relationships I'm better off without. It's funny how fragile friendship is. Relationships begin and end so abruptly. And of course, they always start out great. I'd say that's the danger. If everything starts perfectly, it's easy to be in denial of the end. Thus, my eternal struggle: knowing when to let go. Knowing what, or rather, who is best for yourself seems almost as hard as choosing who/what is best for yourself. It's probably an American characteristic, but I'm passionate and compulsive and I want what I want. And so I often struggle to walk away. I imagine Ol' Blue Eyes would concur, once you've got them under your skin- they're under your skin. So here I sit- one week down and clinging to the belief that everything happens for a reason and all is exactly how it should be. And hoping that this cosmic order makes the right choices for me because, presently, I don't quite trust myself with that responsibility. And perhaps, I'll take up playing cards and practice cutting my losses.

Umbrella

The other day I was thinking about umbrellas. What clever contraptions. Whoever invented it must have had a great sense of pride for doing so. It shields us from the rain and it wraps up into a skinny little thing that takes up next to no space at all. Convenient and clever indeed. And then I got to considering how someone, someday came along and said that the regular old umbrella simply would not do. And it had to be made smaller. Small enough to fit into a purse. And we also need it to come in a variety of colors and patterns and materials and shapes. While I admire the human race's drive to continually improve, I am frustrated by our unabated insatiableness. Where does it end? At what point do we stop yearning and reach contentment? It's an exhausting cycle. We covet what we know little about. And we pursue. We are in constant pursuit. And why when we acquire exactly what we desire, we almost invariably decide it's no longer good enough? Appreciation is a greatly under-felt emotion. I guess this is why nobody stays together anymore. Or perhaps, why nobody stays in love. Across the species there is an underlying epidemic of grass-is-always-greener syndrome. I will admit that I'm speaking in generalities and also that I believe I've seen exceptions here and there. And I'm so hoping to join that minority. In the meantime, I think I just might donate a red umbrella. Because one classic, black, non-purse sized umbrella is just fine with me. Why want for more?

Flake

Good as flakes: corn, snow, red pepper and Zooey Deschanel. Not so great as flakes: fish, friends, emergency responders and boys. Why does no one know what they want anymore? I realize that I'm perhaps an exception to the rule in the way that I always have some specific goal I'm working towards. I believe I know for a fact where and how I want my life to go. And certainly to an extent, I can understand some indecisiveness in your twenties. Adulthood is a new experience and there's still so much left to learn. So much growing and so much love left to do. And I have already changed my mind a gazillion times and I probably will do so a gazillion times more. However, if I am asked, "What do you want?" I can answer...and with confidence. But I don't see many being able to do the same. Frustratingly enough, sometimes others' indecision becomes unintentionally yours. Why is it so much easier to answer what you want to be when you grow up at age 5, rather than age 25? I'd say it's American culture. We're so tangled up in contemplation of what they ("the man") tell us we should do that we forget how to know what we want. I think Millay verbalized it fairly well when she said, "We are clever,- we are as clever as monkeys; and some of us have intellect, which is our danger, for we lack intelligence, and have forgotten instinct." We're all just "in college", getting an education- a degree. Yes, create your safety net. The credentials of an education are very important. But is it any less important to be your own guide? Never forget passion. How much can one really accomplish without it? Don't be afraid to admit to yourself what you really want and never stop aiming for it. People! Let's learn to leap again!